What an exciting title for a post. This is the game I am talking about:
For a few weeks in college, everyone played this a lot on Facebook. In order to be a huge viral smash hit, our humor magazine wrote a lot of pieces about Jetman.
Here are the ones I found using the Wayback Machine:
Things to Do Before I Die
by Jetman
Jet over a blue obstacle
Freefall under a blue obstacle
Use jetpack to fly
Avoid obstacles by flying over and under them
Jet with jetpack
Fly to the right using a jetpack to fly
Use jetpack
Jet
Fly through a cave to the right with a jetpack
Fly as long as I can, using a jetpack
Spelunk by jetting
Move right with a jetpack
Fly with a jetpack to the right in a cave
Use jetpack to go around blue obstacles
Fly using a jetpack on my back
Fly right
Use my jetpack to fly in a cave
Go right in a cave
Get away from blue obstacles
Never touch anything
Fly right always
– RIP
How Billy Marshall Became Jetman
Billy: Thanks for coming to my birthday party! I will use all your presents today.
Tommy: I got you a GI Joe action figure!
Billy: Thanks man. I can use it for my action hero wars.
Mark: I got you a basketball.
Billy: I will use it to play basketball.
Sam: I too got you a basketball.
Billy: Awesome, I will use it as a soccer ball.
Paul: I got you a jetpack.
Billy: I guess I can use that as a backpack?
Leonard: I got you fuel.
Marvin: I got you a big blue block that can clone itself.
Billy’s Mom: Time to sing happy birthday!
– JLF
More:
Jetman had lots of characters:
Jetman Secret Mission
Secret Agent: Jetman, I’d like you to meet the team for your next mission.
Jetman: With all due respect, Agent Philips, I work alone—
JetStreaker: (eating a sandwich) Did I miss anything?
Secret Agent: Not at all. Jetman, you’ll be working with JetStreaker here in addition to—
JetHobo: Hey.
Jetman: (sigh) Philips, listen, I can’t. This mission is highly dangerous…it’s nearly suicidal…and I really doubt—
JetBanana: I’m fucking ready for this.
EFM
I remember that we thought Sim Dorsey, the creator of the game, would make a jester character for us because we had publicized his game, but he didn’t. So I think the following two pieces were a response to not getting a character:
Jetman Creator
The Facebook application “Jetman” was created by Simeon Dorsey.
Roommate: Wiki says that Jetman has a quarter-million users. That’s nuts!
Simeon: Thanks, buddy, but I’m focused on making Jetman a better gaming experience.
Roommate: You’re fixing the lag and stuff?
Simeon: Even better. Come have a look . . . You like?
Roommate: A mermaid?
Simeon: No, man, JetMermaid. See, I made the background blue like she’s swimming through water, and I turned the obstacles into coral, and I turned the walls into sand.
Roommate: So . . . it’s like an underwater sand cave?
Simeon: Yeah, sure, I don’t know.
Roommate: With coral that floats in the middle of the water?
Simeon: Yes, whatever, I’m sure coral can do that.
Roommate: Why does she catch on fire when she crashes? Where’s her jet?
Simeon: Dude, it’s called using your imagination.
Roommate: This coral is really bad. Did you use KidPix?
Simeon: No way. I mean yes I used KidPix, but this is what people want. More characters. Like I have this idea for JetHockeyMan, and he’s got, you know, like a stick, and he’s getting around all these defenders, and the walls are all cheering fans.
Roommate: There are parts in your game where the player literally can’t get around the obstacle. Why don’t you fix that first? That would take two seconds and make a lot of people happy.
Simeon: What about JetSonicTheHedgehog? And the obstacles are a bunch of Tails and the walls are Dr. Robotniks. Huh?
Roommate: . . . I love Sonic.
Simeon: Yeah, who doesn’t?
Roommate: . . . I really like that idea.
– RIP
JetPenis
Design Lab, Jetman Headquarters
Dave: What, like a penis?
Brad: Yeah, but with a jetpack on.
(Both men laugh excitedly at a computer)
Al: (entering) Hey! What the hell are you guys doing? We have a meeting with the Jetman trustees in five minutes. What the hell is that?
Dave: Uh, JetPenis, sir.
Al: That’s actually pretty funny. But there’s no way the trustees will pass that.
Brad: Are you sure? I mean, they really liked JetStreaker and JetBrew, both of which toe that line we talked about.
Al: Yeah I know. I’m on your side. It’s just…it’s their call.
Brad: I hope they want it in.
Al: Me too, Brad. Me too.
MKG ’10
I’m reading a Yahoo Answers about Jetman disappearing now, and here’s a quote: “I’m pretty sure that game has had some sort of glitch in it every day since it came out xP.”
Jetman Glitches
JetMan: Hello, mom. Thanks for making me such a nice dinner.
JetMom: Hi dear. You are wayooooooballidigamina!!!! Wallibabonina!!!! You’re welcome! I hope you had a good day.
JetMan: That was weird. Sometimes when I am doing things everything freaks out for a little and then continues as normal. Also when I die I can still activate my jet pack.
– ERS
There were only two ads in the game. One was for something called an “Immortality Ring,” which I never found out what that was. The other was a fake message from Facebook saying that someone had a secret crush on you:
Jetman Secret Crush
While playing Jetman, I am often distracted by news of my “secret crush.” Here’s what happened when I met her.
Me: Hey.
Her: Hey.
Me: …
Her: …
Me: So, I heard about you while playing Jetman.
Her: What’s that?
Me: It’s a game.
Her: …
Me: Want to get coffee?
Her: Who are you?
– NHS
One insanely fun thing was that you could challenge your friends in the Jetman Arena. You would do a run and then they would do a run. Then the person with the high score would win.
Jetman and Doctor
Jetman: Doctor, I was wondering if you could—
Doctor: Let me guess. You flew headfirst into a monolith again.
Jetman: No… well you see… I… uhh… walked into a door? Yeah, a door. Silly me.
Doctor: Are you sure, Jetman? Are you sure you walked into a door?
Jetman: Would I lie to you?
Doctor: You’re still wearing your helmet, Jetman. It’s covered in blood.
Jetman: I can explain.
Doctor: The back of your legs are covered in burn marks. As if burned by some sort of jetpack. Perhaps the one you are wearing right now.
Jetman: Doc, I need to get back out there. JetBanana doesn’t even need a helmet. How the fuck am I supposed to compete with that?
Doctor: Jetman, you don’t need to feel like you’re competing with anyone. Just go out there and have fun. Wait a second, the nurse is handing me a message for you. It says, “Will Davenport has challenged you to beat 7904 in the Jetman Arena. Meet Will in the Arena.”
Jetman: 7904? Sweet Jesus. Has this Will no mercy?
Doctor: Oh wait, there’s a heckle attached. “suck on this, biatch. suck on my ballz.” Sounds serious.
Jetman: What did I do to deserve this life?
Doctor: See you tomorrow, same time?
Jetman: I hope not. I hope to God not. [somberly hovers out the window]
– CRS
Here is the piece I wrote. It wasn’t online so I looked through some old folders on my hard drive. I found it and a Word doc with my brainstorming for another web special, that one about JK Rowling revealing that Dumbledore was gay. My ideas were really dumb (“Ron’s brothers are gay. Incestuously gay.”)
Jetman at Home
Scientist 1 enters, wheeling Jetman in on a stretcher.
Scientist 1: Jetman’s back. Made some progress today.
Scientist 2: Let’s get him out of that thing.
Scientist 1: [Unhinges Jetman suit, pulls screaming monkey from it.]
Scientist 2: [Puts screaming monkey into cage.]
Scientist 1: Shh! Here’s a grape and a square of cucumber.
Just went to try to play ol’ Jetty:
Jetman Suicide Letter
Dear Jetmom and Jetdad,
I can’t go on like this. My life has become a series of endless ups and downs that I can no longer control. I feel like I’m not really going anywhere in life, most likely because I remain in the same centered position on the screen no matter what I do. Tonight I am going to crash into the ceiling, the floor, or a suspended rectangular obstacle and end things once and for all. Tell JetBanana that I love him.
Goodbye,
Jetman
– GMS