Earlier today, daredevil Felix Baumgartner survived the Red Bull Stratos, a record-breaking freefall from the edge of space. It was very cool. Baumgartner landed so well that he just sort of jogged along for a little before he came to a stop. Now it turns out that Dietrich Mateschitz, CEO of Red Bull, commissioned a speech to give if the stunt went awry. A copy is reproduced below, and a full transcript is available after the jump.
TRANSCRIPT
IN THE EVENT OF RED BULL-SPONSORED DISASTER:
Fate has ordained that the awesome professional daredevil who jumped down at Earth from way high up will not land safely atop the grassy field of the Red Bull Arena, but directly inside the sepulcher waiting for him beneath that grassy field. Felix Baumgartner’s life has been sacrificed due to [unforeseen disintegration || premature suit-explosion || the traitorous schemes of the fat mission control guy || just straight up dying], and the event which mankind planned to greet with the ringing of bells and a pump-up mix of “celebration” tracks from the REDRECORDS record label, will be marked instead by the keening of Red Bull girls the world over.
Yet in the days to come, we shall find solace in the scientific data and theories that this science mission procured, and in the knowledge that for a limited time only, 7-11 is selling a Red Bull Slurpee. If you buy it, you will get a dollar off the purchase of a new calorie-free Red Bull. But hurry. The chance to get a can of Red Bull for only six dollars will not live on forever, the way Felix’s memory is destined to, since he shall assuredly find his place in the Red Bull High Octane Hall of Legends, when the panel of judges led by Shaun White convenes next July.
In ancient days, men looked to the government to lift them into that realm two tens of miles above the valleys and streams of Mother Earth. Now we know that progress is better driven by Austrian beverage companies. For although Felix did not drift to the ground with a living body or unexploded eyes, Red Bull truly gave him wings upon this day. And like the balloon that bore him up into the firmament, those wings were designed by John’s Mighty Flying Gazpacho, the team that won the 2012 Red Bull Flugtag. So they were made out of garbage bags, and the garbage bags got tangled up in the spokes of the BMX stunt bike bolted to Felix’s suit for post-landing tricks, and the bike was designed to look like an old-timey penny-farthing.
I wish to end this speech with a special message for Red Bull employees: if Barack Hussein Obama wins re-election, I will be forced to fire all of you.