Mar 202013
 

Last week my girlfriend and I had our friends over, and we played this new game “What Would You Do If A Bee Stung You?” You connect a talking plastic beehive up to your TV and it supposedly simulates how you act when you get stung by a bee. I say “supposedly” because I don’t think mine was accurate at all. Here is what happened:

                                   ME

                         Who’s up first?

                                   MY GF

                         You go.

                                   ME

                             (gamely)

                         If I must.

               I stand in front of the beehive. A ray of green light shoots

               out and scans me.

                                   HIVE

                         Calculating…

               We all act jokily impressed. On the TV, a CG avatar of me

               appears and starts walking across a lawn.

                                   ME

                         Pretty accurate so far.

               A tiny buzzing sound.

                                   MY AVATAR (ON TV)

                         UhhgAHH! AHH!

               My avatar begins to run and scream while batting at his head.

               The game’s camera zooms in as my avatar hyperventilates and

               grasps his arm, looking at it in terror.

                                   MY GF

                             (laughing)

                         Must have been a bad one, huh?

                                   ME

                         Yeah…I’ll give it another shot.

                                   HIVE

                         I am loaded with hundreds of

                         hundreds of different scenarios,

                         each as accurate as the last.

               I scroll through a menu with images of different scenarios:

               Mowing Lawn, Climbing Tree, Bee Stuck in Car, and At the

               Lake, which I select. On the TV, my avatar appears in a

               canoe, paddling across a pretty lake. Tiny buzzing sound.

                                   MY AVATAR (ON TV)

                         Mother SHIT!

               He smashes his hand against his neck, losing an oar. He whips

               around to grab it, but leans too far and overturns the canoe.

                                   MY AVATAR (ON TV) (CONT’D)

                             (sputtering and gasping)

                         God fuck-ass damnit!

               He throws arms across the bottom of the canoe and begins to

               pull himself up. When he reaches the middle, he screams.

                                   MY AVATAR (ON TV) (CONT’D)

                         It’s still fucking here!

               He dives over the other side of canoe and begins swimming

               away in a panic.

                                   FRED

                             (smirking)

                         Good call, man. Definitely had to

                         ditch that canoe.

                                   ME

                         So, this thing just comes up with

                         the craziest reaction possible, or

                         what?

                                   HIVE

                         Why don’t you let someone else try?

                                   MY GF

                         I’ll do it.

               My girlfriend stands up and is scanned. On the TV, her avatar sits at

               a picnic bench, eating a sandwich. Tiny buzzing sound. She

               takes her sandal off and looks at the bottom of her foot.

                                   MY GF’S AVATAR (ON TV)

                         Ooh. Darn.

               She goes back to eating.

                                   ME

                             (standing up)

                         Well, it’s a good game, but now

                         it’s done.

                                   HIVE

                         No, it isn’t. You haven’t tried

                         multiplayer yet.

               On the TV, Emma’s avatar sits inside a house. A door bursts

               open and my avatar rushes in.

                                   MY AVATAR (ON TV)

                         ARGH!

                                   MY GF’S AVATAR (ON TV)

                         What? What happened?

                                   MY AVATAR (ON TV)

                         The fuck does it look like! I got

                         stung by a big ass BEE. Fucking

                         SWORD for a stinger!

                                   MY GF’S AVATAR (ON TV)

                         Don’t take it out on me!

                                   MY AVATAR (ON TV)

                         Ah, fuck off! Ohhhh.

               My avatar sits down with his head between his legs and begins

               to rock back and forth, moaning. In real life we’re all

               silent – it’s not fun anymore.

                                   ME

                             (uncertainly)

                         Obviously, this isn’t actually what

                         I’d do.

                                   HIVE

                         That’s false. I was built on rock

                         solid code, which was developed at

                         a cost of billions by order of a

                         Senate subcommittee. As you might

                         imagine, those Senators were

                         impeached when the public found out

                         what they had approved. But that

                         doesn’t make my technology any less

                         accurate.

               I roll my eyes, about to protest.

                                   HIVE (CONT’D)

                         In case you don’t believe me,

                         copies of the code are included

                         with every game. You might not

                         understand it, but I bet one of

                         your friends does.

               Fred looks up from a stack of papers.

                                   FRED

                             (nodding earnestly)

                         This is stunning.

               On the TV screen, Fred’s avatar is talking with Alexa’s

               avatar.

                                   FRED’S AVATAR

                         I’m glad I got stung by that bee.

                         Now we know where the bees are, and

                         we can get all that delicious

                         honey.

                                   ALEXA’S AVATAR

                         And the new hives you built are

                         helping the global bee population

                         bounce back.

                                   FRED’S AVATAR

                         Hey, that guy’s trying to poison

                         our hives!

               Cut to stand of beehives, where my avatar is holding a spray

               can of poison.

                                   MY AVATAR

                         Die, stupid bees.

 

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