Sep 092014
 

JOHN’S HOUSE

At my house, I decide that I’d like to make, say, chili tonight.

GROCERY STORE

I go to the store to get the stuff I need to make chili. At the checkout, the checkout guy looks at what I’ve bought.

Checkout Guy (knowing look): Chili tonight, eh?

 Posted by at 5:57 pm No Responses »
Aug 152014
 

New Idea: Huck comes back, 60 years old, from nobody knows where – and crazy. Thinks he is a boy again, and scans always every face for Tom and Becky, etc. Tom comes at last from wandering the world and tends Huck, and together they talk the old times, both are desolate, life has been a failure, all that was lovable, all that was beautiful is under the mold. They die together. – Mark Twain’s Notebooks and Journals, Vol. III 606

I came across that while doing some research on Mark Twain. I’m sure it would have been better than those sequels where Tom and Huck take a hot air balloon to the moon, or whatever those were.

My research also led me to The Official Web Site of Mark Twain, which you wouldn’t believe how crappy it is. There’s a quotes section, and on the first page the heading is “Quotes by Twain,” but by the second and third pages it’s just “Quotes by Client.”  And here are two selections from the Information section:

all the infomration has

more than happy to check it out

The reason for the weirdness (and talk of “Client”) is that the site is run by CMG Worldwide, an intellectual property firm that has the rights to all sorts of famous dead peoples’ websites. Andy Kaufman’s, for instance. Here’s something on the homepage of the official Andy Kaufman website:

andy kaufman

And here’s something from the Official Malcolm X homepage:by any means

I found some reviews of this company on glassdoor.com. I will separate those reviews into two categories, see if you can guess what the distinction between them is. Pros and cons from the first category:

Pro: “some people that work there are nice and professional”

Con: “you may be asked to do some things to benefit the company that most people would find unethical”

Pro: “not much to do”

Con: “no future”

Pros and cons from the second category:

Pro: “The boss really goes out of his way to help his employees. Anything from writing them letters of recommendation for graduate school to driving them home when the roads are snowy. Other pros: beautiful office building, potluck pitch-in lunches and parties, office gym and ping-pong table.”

Con: “wide range of people at CMG. some very talented people and also some people who make you wonder how they got a job there at all. But I guess this is true of any office.”

Pro: “CMG is an incredibly reputable company.”

Con: “Parking was limited in the office building. Not a lot of storage space in the office, therefore the kitchen seemed slightly cluttered with boxes lying on the floor.”

Pro: “Mark is a great CEO. Really cares about his employees and very professional. Best in the world at what he does…you can learn a lot from him.”

Con: “No cons, except some of the employees are really lazy and inefficient when Mark is in LA at his other office.”

Advice to senior management: “fire some of the lazy inefficient employees.”

“Other pros” and “No cons” are features that should be automatically available for every review. And that “snowy roads” thing must mean that he also drove them there, right? “There’s too much snow for you to get to work today? Well, there’s not too much for ME to come PICK YOU UP!”

CMG and Mark:
again by any means

 Posted by at 4:14 pm No Responses »
Jul 212014
 

She’s back!

That lady whose face was eaten off by her best friend’s powerful chimpanzee Travis returned to the spotlight last week, when she traveled to Washington to advocate for legislation that would restrict the sale of primates as pets.

Nice! But what sealed it as the johnbaileyowen.com PR Win of the Week? How about the fact that the announcement was timed to coincide with the release of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, the last film James Franco starred in before his death? Insiders say that this tactic was was more enough to sway the pols on Capitol Hill, who approved the new laws in record time.

But we wonder if the lady’s success might also have had something to do with her newly reconstructed face:

Img13_FaceMasquerade_comp_entry_front_2011_013

That face, we hear, has the power to change colors rapidly, and the lady was really blazing through those colors when she spoke before Congress. A number of the legislators seemed to fall under the influence of the color sequences, which may be part of the reason they tacked on a rider that immediately made the lady the legal caretaker of all the pet primates in the United States.

So, what does she plan to use them for? One word: revenge!

Revenge on us all.

 Posted by at 4:07 pm No Responses »